Sizzle, Bake, Stir!
by peach petal9
Summary: A cooking show with Chef Cyan! Wait...Cyan's a chef?
1. Just like chicken

Cast:

Announcer- Terra

Chef- Cyan

Producer/Director- Edgar

Make-up artist- Relm

Prop boy and item finder- Gau

Instigator- Setzer

Executive producer- Celes

Sound man- Sabin

Special guest- Leo

"It's time for…"

"Sizzle, Bake, Stir!"

Terra speaks into the microphone with a smile. "With me, Terra Branford! And here is your host, the master chef- Cyan Garamonde!"

Edgar sits back in his director chair. "It's gonna be safe this time, I swear. No more live produce."

Cyan bows to the camera. He is dressed with an apron and chef's hat, but still has his armor on underneath. "Good day, I am Cyan. Today, we will attempt a recipe that I have received from the skilled chefs at the Gaia 9 station, hmmm?"

Edgar whispers over to him. "They're not up and running yet, keep going!"

Cyan clears his voice. "Ahem, the recipe is called Spicy Golden Chocobo a la Cid!"

Relm the make-up artist scrunches her face. "EEEEEWWWW! We're going to kill a chocobo and eat it?"

Edgar yanks her aside roughly and hisses. "No! Censorship would blow us out of the water!"

Cyan looks to them with irritation. "Well, we will have to do something."

Leo suddenly runs up to the kitchen counter and lays down a package wrapped in recycled paper. "Here. It's a package of chocobo meat."

Celes the producer sits up with suspicion. "Where did you get that from?"

Leo shrugs. "Some lady said that it was old and a professional help person told her to kill it…She was scary."

Edgar sighs. "At least we've got the meat."

Cyan continues. "Ah! Now you need ½ lb. of the breast meat. Cut it into strips. (Lightning quick Quadra Slam!)There!"

"No one is going to be able to do that." Celes mutters.

"Now for 6 Paruruge… What's that? Oh dear, Gau come here!" Cyan doesn't know any of the FF IX ingredients, nor are they in the studio.

Gau, the errand boy gallops up. "GAU!"

"I want you to fetch me everything on this list! Go to Gaia 9, I demand an explanation of all this!" Cyan hands the recipe to Gau.

"OK, Be wite back!"

An uncomfortable silence commences. Celes starts to file her nails. Sabin twirls the boom mic around and around. Relm pulls on a piece of bubble gum in her mouth. Edgar squeezes a rubber ball and Cyan just smiles nervously at the camera.

Gau comes running back and speaks into the twirling microphone. "AAH WAA! AAAH!"

Edgar gets up and snaps at him. "Gau! Get away from the microphone!"

"wah!" He brings a bag to Cyan.

"This must be it." He looks through it for a moment. "Paruruge, obuda…

Gau perks up at the funny word. "Obuda? OBUDA!"

Cyan points firmly to the ground. "Gau! Sit!"

Gau jumps a little then settles down. "Sahwy!"

Cyan resumes the recipe. "Chop the 6 paruruge, 1 sprite pias…(Chopping). Next add 1 jalapeno phoenix feather, ¾ cup wakuchen, ¼ cup elixir, 1 Tbsp. echo grass…Hmmm, 2 Tbsp Mog droppings! That's not in here. Gau?"

Gau gets up a bit from where he was sleeping and jerks his thumb behind him. "Das what the Moogle here for."

Mog pops up. "EEEE!" He squeaks.

Cyan looks appalled. "Oh no! This cannot be sanitary!"

Mog pouts at him and shakes his paw. "Moogle waste is clean and pure! Used to make candy!" He squats and strains. "EEEE!" (POOT!) "Look!" He turns around and points to it.

No one moves for a moment, so Celes sighs and checks it out. She leans down, hesitating for a moment before reaching for it and picking it up. The guys cringe. "Sort of a brownish powder…Has a strong sweet odour. I'm not positive on this…"

Cyan coughs slightly. "The recipe must continue! Give it to me!"

They put in the poo poo.

"Now, we add in ½ tsp. gisal vegetables, ½ tsp. meiwkuchen, and … D-dear me!"

Edgar tosses his script down. "Now what?"

Cyan's face is in alarm. "½ cup of distilled Bahamut urine!"

(RUMBLE!)

Edgar looks around the room then ducks. "Oh no! Everybody- -LOOK OUT!"

Bahamut: ROAR!

The dragon rips through the building. Chaos ensues.

Everyone: (Screaming)

--------------------------------------------------(Fizzzzzz! Tuning…Fizzzzzzzz)

"We're back," Cyan and the rest of the crew is all wet, "and with the generous donation from the King of Dragons, I believe we can continue with the recipe."

"ugh!" Celes turns her head in disgust. Everyone complains except Gau who just laughs.

"I shall mix in the last ingredient. Now after refrigeration, or a weak ice spell, use a fire 2 to cook it. FIRE 2!"

Explosion!

Terra looks down at the stage room in shock. "OH, how awful! We've seemed to have lost transmission! Well, this is Terra Branford saying have a nice day."

Here is another mess. I don't think I can get a single show to finish right. I can't help it, I love chaos! Peachy!


	2. Ramen

It's time for another installment of Sizzle, Bake, Stir! Again, I apologize that it has been a while since I last updated.

Cast

Cyan- chef

Edgar- director

Celes- producer

Relm- make-up (duh!)

Setzer- troublemaker

Gau- Runner

Sabin- sound

"And now live from Doma Castle, it is time for Sizzle, Bake, Stir! Here is your host, Cyan"

Behind the camera Edgar the director stares with disbelief as there is no chef. "Guys, where is he?"

Celes looks up from her clipboard. "Well, I haven't seen him."

Sabin shakes his head. "Me neither"

Edgar snaps his fingers. "Some one quick, take over. We're live!"

Setzer wakes up from his nap. "You gotta be kiddin'" he says more to himself.

Edgar looks to his brother for support. "Nu-uh, I gotta be in charge of sound. Um… testing," he taps the mike with his thick finger, "check, one, two… checking. Sabin grins back at him.

Edgar shakes his head. "Good one, Sabin. So that leaves…" he looks to Celes.

"I can't cook." She says simply.

"You're a woman and you can't cook?" Edgar shrieks. "It should be in your nature."

She throws him a look. "Need I remind you, I wasn't made naturally."

Edgar nods. "Smooth. So I guess that only leaves you, Setzer."

"What!"

"Take it away!" Edgar sits back in his chair and queues the camera.

Setzer shuffles up to the counter and stares into the screen. "Well, folks, I'd like to say today under any other circumstance I would give a wonderful culinary treat with all of my skill and expertise. However, desperate times call for desperate measures."

He reaches under the counter and pulls out a plastic bag. Celes mutters under breath.

"Boy, are we desperate." She gets a look at the bag and spits out her coffee. "RAMEN?"

"Hey, it's an age old dish that deserves some respect. Would you like me to continue or leave?"

Celes looks to Edgar who throws his hands up in defeat. "Roll with it."

"I guess we really don't have a choice." She replies.

Setzer grins. "Now, first we uh, remove the wrapping by the creased section. This will ensure that any popcorn ramen doesn't fly out and stick in your eye. Next, we shall set some water to boil."

He pours some water into a pot and sets it on the flame. "We just wait for that to come to a boil. So...uh...ramen. It's a popular dish served all over the globe. It is a common noodle made of simple water, egg, and flour, but that is the beauty of the dish. In its simplicity, there is room for creativity! So with that in mind, let us move to the side and cut up some vegetables."

He starts to work on the veggies and Edgar is pleased with the outcome of the show. "Great! This may actually work" he whispers.

"I like my ramen spicy and colorful so Gau…"

The wild boy comes up and dumps heaps of ingredients on the counter. "Gau got lots of color. Gau has peppers, carrot, juju bees…"

Setzer just grabs it all. "Juju-what? Oh just give it all here. Now chop 'em up. Add some greens, (sniff) hmm smells good, and some of this… Now folks, find your own taste. Ramen can be manipulated for anyone's needs be it meaty or vegetarian. OK, water is boiling lets add some ramen. I'm making some for everyone!"

He pumps his fist in the air and everyone rejoices. (They haven't been eating big meals to pay for the damages done by Bahamut.)

"Hey make mine with kabobs." Sabin shouts into the mike.

"Ok, just add your seasoning at this time."

Edgar puts a hand to his forehead. "I can't believe we may actually finish this show with no problems. Wait, what's that sound?"

There's a distant rumbling from the set. Gau gets up and runs. "Uh oh I'm outta here."

Setzer leans in close to the boiling pot. "What, is it boiling over? No, Ifrit you're too close to the pot!" Setzer runs away from the scorching pot.

"NOW WHAT'S GOING ON!"

The pot suddenly explodes and the lid flies off. SPLASH!

Locke suddenly pops out of the liquid. "Yaiiiieeee! Hot! Hot! Hot!"

"Oh, my goodness! Locke!" Celes gasped with relief as her boyfriend hops out.

"My ramen!" Setzer cries.

"Man, that's nasty! He wasted the food." Sabin grumbles.

Edgar throws his cup down and slams his fists on the armrests. "No no no no no no!"

Gau just laughs from afar.

Locke takes in his surroundings. "This isn't the courtroom. Judge Gestal?" (See Final Fantasy Law for more info.)

"Well that's the last time I help out this show! How impolite!" Setzer storms off.

Sabin calls out to him. "But you never do anything here anyways."

"Cut! That's it, this was crap! Get him off the set! Get off the air! Where's Cyan?" Edgar storms off.

Cyan comes onto the stage as the lights are dimming. "They sent me to the wrong stage." He looks around. "What happened here? Ramen?"

End.

Yahoo! That was fun. I hope you enjoyed that. Short and pointless. Peachy!


End file.
